Reason for Reason

I need to jot stuff down electronically this evening. The pen&paper method simply isn't keeping pace with the lightning speed of a brain in thinking mode. It's important I solidify this stuff in some way though. Ephemeral thoughts end up just that. A vanishing concept whose lingering remnants prompt your memory at inappropriate times and ever fail to reconstruct the true essence of their original form. I may have to start a private blog just for the purpose of speedy thought-solidification, as I suspect too many stream-of-conciouss-like posts might alienate the readers. But for tonight it will have to do. And you will just have to bear with me. Or simply skip this post. This is after all, a wonderfully free world.

I've had an "off" day. In the sense that I didn't have any specific activities planned. My next few days will be teaming with outdoorsiness. And for some reason I feel it neccessary to state the latter, as if I am somehow not entitled to just bum off on this Big Trek. It seems guilt guides more of my thinking and actions than I was willing to admit. In a sense the blog too was a drive for this guilt. For starting a blog inevitably ties you in with some virtual duty to report. I say "virtual" for the pressure exists only in the blogger's mind. And while I am aware of this given, I find myself going through life pondering the blog-ability of the way I choose to spend my time. The blog in a sense tallies up the scores of how one's achieved in the context of "making the most of things", "going the extra mile" and "how on top of things your critical self is". But when you really take a moment to ponder all of this, it brings you to one basic question: To what avail is all this guilt?

I seem to have this mindset that, being endowed with the ability to think beyond the instinctual line of thought, I have a responsibility to use it to the max. Being endowed with the freedom of choice in a very accomodating life, I have the responsibility not to achieve less than the ultimate achievable. And since I am naturally fallible and have a limited amount of energy to expend, I cannot possibly live up to the high benchmark. So I feel guilty for "slacking". Guilty for a day passed without excellence. Guilty for not linking arms with every opportunity that knocks.

Today I had NOTHING planned. I sat down with a coffee on the sofa of a tiny cafe and read my book for three hours. Every hour I looked at my watch thinking: "I should really get going". Despite the fact that I have nowhere to go to or nothing to do, I felt guilty. While I sneakishly enjoyed the three hours, I felt guilty about them. It's absurd to the extreme and I figure I urgently have to start re-aligning my thinking.

If you follow the existentialist thought (which I do), then the responsibility of the individual stands without question. Each of us has a responsibility for everything we do, for how we live and for how we spend our time. But "having responsibility" implies nothing more than "doing things conciously". To ensure that whichever action you take, you take full responsibility for that action. That you think things through and weigh your options off against each other. "Responsibility" however, implies nothing about a standard to which to weigh off your actions and thoughts against. So if today I decide to stare into space for 4 hours, then that is acceptable as long as I take responsibility for that choice and as long as I chose it conciously. There is no external "ultimate standard" my choices have to live up to.

I haven't quite got that part down yet. I still subconciously seem to feel that I need to reach the "ultimate" to everyone's standards. And that makes me bound to lead to a life of impasse, guilt and an unneccessarily negative drive. For nothing will ever be good enough. Everything will forever be restless and fluid. The grass will always be greener on the other side. Everything doused with guilt of things not done or not done to standard. We all know the quote: "I've never regretted something I did do, but always something I didn't do". How about barring that quote? Because really, why, at the end of our lifetime, does it have to come down to a weighing off of things we did or did not do? Why do we have to reach a target mark of achievements, which, falling short of, would invalidate the life we have? Why can't we simply start from zero and build up and however high we get, be happy with the fact that we've had a chance to move beyond zero. Merely that.

And if tomorrow I chose to sit out near the lake for a whole day, listening to my music, I should simply look upon that as: I was being part of life and things around me. And that the fact that I enjoyed that very simple passtime, is all the essence and validation that moment needed.