Zoologists Users Guide

I have a life-sized version of a Zoologist strutting around the house. If you own one too, you’ll know they are very strange creatures indeed. For those of you who are unfortunate enough not to own one... a Users Guide:

Mine took me for a walk in a forest on our first date and introduced me to the smell of fox-pooh. Further dates acquainted me with badger-pooh, otter-pooh, rabbit-pooh and deer-droppings. This was closely followed by colourful accounts of encounters with hyena-, jackal-, moose- and bearpooh. Zoologists get excited about pooh you see. The significance of animal-pooh in a Zoologists life though, is one of their less unnerving characteristics.



When your Zoologist comes back home to you, all wet-nosed and pink after a day out in the field, and announces to you that she’s brought you home a present… be forewarned. Mine’s brought me badger-hairs. And mandibles. Understand this as a gesture of love and affection, an attempt to welcome you into their world.

And when you’ve taken your Zoologist out for a nice evening stroll at twilight, and she suddenly stops to sniff the air...do not question. It is most likely a decaying mammal body in need of investigation. Gently grab your Zoologist by the arm, point her in the opposite direction and question her about that bird that’s twittering away so happily. Subsequently trace back your steps and guide you Zoologist home.

Always have an emergency plan at the ready upon entering a vehicle with a Zoologist at the wheel. They are magnetically drawn to road-kill. And it would just happen to be that one dead otter in the middle of the M9 that needs investigating.

.

Remember the bird-names and sounds they teach you, don’t mistake a Jackdaw for a Rook, or a Robbin for a Tit, it upsets them greatly. Banish mouse-traps, rat-poisons and bee-catchers. It makes them cry. Animal sanctuaries are off-limits. Unless you own a castle with room to set up 25 strays and a dishevelled donkey.

Cherish your Zoologist. They are very much mis-understood.