Bad Night

- Little Sleep & Music Therapy ;) -

I got blindsided by a nightmare last night and woke up in sweats. I've not had one of these for a long time, so the sudden force of it really took me off guard. While it was a faceless dream, I'm pretty certain it respresented one or the other of my two long-term exes. It's hard to tell which though, since both relationships ended in almost identical ways and the reference could have been to either one.

She's holding the etch-a-sketch on which we've been drawing our relationship with each day that progresses. I'm looking at her as her new crush walks into the room. For a second, I hope she's going to ignore it, but then I see her turn towards her infatuation while dropping our etch-a-sketch to the floor. In slow motion, I see myself rush towards the etch-a-sketch to try and grab it, but it's too late. As it comes crashing to the floor, the whole story of us is shaken into oblivion, as if it never existed in the first place.

It's strange. I'm not too fussed with either of my exes these days, as I've managed to reach an amicable stalemate with the first and am increasingly out of touch with the second. So I know this dream is less about them than it is about the feeling linked to those two particular moments. That moment when all comes crashing down around you so fast that when you blink, it's hard to find even the slightest proof that what you've lost even existed in the first place. And you find yourself desperately searching for something that validates your pain. That's what puzzles me most about love. It leaves no trace to hold onto upon its leaving.

Of all the emotions I've ever held, this one never ceases to haunt me. No matter how much time passes, no matter how much I rationalise it. Regardless of how happy I am or how far I've moved beyond the moment, or even when love's found me again... subconciously, I never seem to be able to come to grips with the intensity of those moments.