Misguided
I hadn't planned on blogging about this. It's always a bit of a toss up as to what to throw onto this webspace and what not. When do you cross the boundaries of your own personal space/madness? I'm a particularly open individual in my face-to-face contact with the world, but to eternalise something in writing in a virtual space that might never seize to exist, well that's a whole other matter entirely.
But I'm just going to jot this down. And I'm not going to appologise for the melodramatic tone or any inappropriate or awkward personal-ness that may follow. You, dear reader, read this blog for a reason. It's a covert curiosity into the mind and life of a fellow mortal. Perhaps merely as a form of entertainment during those long hours of procrastination but often too as a means to put your own daily dwindelings into some perspective. We all bounce off each other. It's like little antlers on a bug. We're all subtly feeling our way around to get some measure of where we're at. Like emotional echo-location. So here goes...
The general image I seem to subconciously project onto this world is ridiculously misguided and it's become quite clear to me of late, that I really ought to step up and clarify a few things. For some reason lots of people seem to assume that I'm this hyperconfident, sorted individual who's got everything perfectly on track and that their own story fades by comparison (those who know me well will probably be pissing themselves right now, for they know the real deal).
Let me tell you something: I'm far from confident, hopelessly unsorted and I've no idea of where I'm heading. I'm just trying to rise above the things that are inherent to my being. Like being terrified of change. Like feeling lost without an big social group and feeling claustrophobic within one. Like needing constant reassurance that yes, I'm doing good. Like trying to survive the emotional wobblers that seem to be imprinted into my very being, without involving the whole world into the dramatics (you can tell I've made much progress on this part, can't you). I'm clearly not projecting that I'm scared to be out on my own. That I'm sick of the feeling that in order to make something happen in my life, I need to be part of a twosome, because I just can't achieve it on my own. That I've a compulsive need to have things planned, but that things tend to go haywire last minute, because I am the most undecisive individual on the face of this planet. That I am terrified to death of becoming the norm. That this need to stand out and be identified means I'm pushing myself way out of my comfortzone and that sometimes I get so lost I don't even know the way back into the safety of it. That despite the fact that I have a PhD in my back-pocket, I feel ridiculously unemployable. That I don't know what I want to do with my life. That I get blindsided by 3am panick attacks. That I sometimes don't like myself all that much. That I look in the mirror some days and think: my god what a twat.
The way I see it, you can live your life in one of three ways:
(A) Blissfully unaware of who you are
(B) Knowing who you are, accepting your shortcomings/inherent character and incorporating them into a lifestyle that brings out the best of you.
(C) Knowing who you are, but refusing to let it curtail your further choices and trying to rise above your inherent nature not matter what the struggle.
In my opinion, each way is legit. Altho I have to admit I generally don't spend much time with A-type people. I genuinely wish I could be a B-type individual, but am afraid I fall into the C-type category. And you know what that means, folks??
It means that I am NOT the kind of person my stories/plans/actions dictate I should be. Caso-in-termis: Travelling around the globe must equal: "confident, self-sufficient, independent individual"... right? Well, not if you're a C-type person. Im my case it means I'm none of those things, but doing these actions in the hope that when I push myself enough... I will BECOME one such individual. So for future reference, let's get things straight. Don't let your emotional-echo-location fool you. Sometimes the image we seem to project, is merely what we aspire to be. Not necessarily who we are. Make sure to take into account this abberation of perspective, before you use other people's data to calculate your own location in life.
But I'm just going to jot this down. And I'm not going to appologise for the melodramatic tone or any inappropriate or awkward personal-ness that may follow. You, dear reader, read this blog for a reason. It's a covert curiosity into the mind and life of a fellow mortal. Perhaps merely as a form of entertainment during those long hours of procrastination but often too as a means to put your own daily dwindelings into some perspective. We all bounce off each other. It's like little antlers on a bug. We're all subtly feeling our way around to get some measure of where we're at. Like emotional echo-location. So here goes...
The general image I seem to subconciously project onto this world is ridiculously misguided and it's become quite clear to me of late, that I really ought to step up and clarify a few things. For some reason lots of people seem to assume that I'm this hyperconfident, sorted individual who's got everything perfectly on track and that their own story fades by comparison (those who know me well will probably be pissing themselves right now, for they know the real deal).
Let me tell you something: I'm far from confident, hopelessly unsorted and I've no idea of where I'm heading. I'm just trying to rise above the things that are inherent to my being. Like being terrified of change. Like feeling lost without an big social group and feeling claustrophobic within one. Like needing constant reassurance that yes, I'm doing good. Like trying to survive the emotional wobblers that seem to be imprinted into my very being, without involving the whole world into the dramatics (you can tell I've made much progress on this part, can't you). I'm clearly not projecting that I'm scared to be out on my own. That I'm sick of the feeling that in order to make something happen in my life, I need to be part of a twosome, because I just can't achieve it on my own. That I've a compulsive need to have things planned, but that things tend to go haywire last minute, because I am the most undecisive individual on the face of this planet. That I am terrified to death of becoming the norm. That this need to stand out and be identified means I'm pushing myself way out of my comfortzone and that sometimes I get so lost I don't even know the way back into the safety of it. That despite the fact that I have a PhD in my back-pocket, I feel ridiculously unemployable. That I don't know what I want to do with my life. That I get blindsided by 3am panick attacks. That I sometimes don't like myself all that much. That I look in the mirror some days and think: my god what a twat.
The way I see it, you can live your life in one of three ways:
(A) Blissfully unaware of who you are
(B) Knowing who you are, accepting your shortcomings/inherent character and incorporating them into a lifestyle that brings out the best of you.
(C) Knowing who you are, but refusing to let it curtail your further choices and trying to rise above your inherent nature not matter what the struggle.
In my opinion, each way is legit. Altho I have to admit I generally don't spend much time with A-type people. I genuinely wish I could be a B-type individual, but am afraid I fall into the C-type category. And you know what that means, folks??
It means that I am NOT the kind of person my stories/plans/actions dictate I should be. Caso-in-termis: Travelling around the globe must equal: "confident, self-sufficient, independent individual"... right? Well, not if you're a C-type person. Im my case it means I'm none of those things, but doing these actions in the hope that when I push myself enough... I will BECOME one such individual. So for future reference, let's get things straight. Don't let your emotional-echo-location fool you. Sometimes the image we seem to project, is merely what we aspire to be. Not necessarily who we are. Make sure to take into account this abberation of perspective, before you use other people's data to calculate your own location in life.
posted by Dr.Pew @ 12:44 am
4 comments
4 Comments:
Very true my friend!
I can only speak of my own experiences but when I went away travelling, I had millions of hang ups that terrified me in addition to the fact I was taking panic attacks every other day over things like getting on a local bus. Nevermind travelling to the otherside of the world myself with no one to grab onto if things went pear shaped.
But you know what? I came back better for it. As every little thing I did was an accomplishment and I had nothing to prove to anyone other than myself. I overcame fears that I thought were going to be an integral part of who I was until the day I died.
I'm not going to pretend I know you extremely well, or even well, but I do believe that you - and anyone else including myself - can be anything / anyone we aspire to be. Regardless of any short-comings we may think we have, they only make you who you are and as the Goo Goo Dolls once said "What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful".
[/rant]
Well here's to hoping the TravelBugging does the trick for me too ey ;-)
You won't wanna go home!
You too, huh? Quite often I detect a bewildering discrepancy in perceived me and 'real' me and I guess, by extension, I have to (grudgingly) concede that the way I perceive people is probably also suspect (in fact I have masses of supporting data).
But then I get stuck in a whole "perception is reality" loop, although I think I've come off the fence on this one (for the time being at least).
I read a quote in a Ranulph Fiennes book yesterday, "We must select the illusion which appeals to our temperament and embrace it with passion, if we want to be happy." I think to some extent people naturally select the illusion of others that they're comfortable with and which fits within their frame of reference, at least until (upon closer inspection) their perception is proved incorrect one way or another.
Thanks for the post, as if I’m not prone enough to navel gazing as it is :-)
Post a Comment
<< Home