Anger-Management Therapy Session

I'm angry with the world today. Or with life. Fuck knows.
I'm angry with society.

Whenever I'm in this mood, I've a tendency to blame my hormones, my neurochemistry or anything else I can excuse myself with. But I'm sick of apologizing for feeling this pissed off or for feeling low. There's too much of a pattern here. If the same flashes of anger and lows keep re-occurring, perhaps it's time to try and find the real cause, rather than to automatically point the finger at myself all the time. I'm sick of blaming me.

The last ten days have been a right struggle. If it were just a struggle with myself, then there'd be no problem. I've a pretty good relationship with myself. Yes... myself and I, we can usually sort stuff out together. I'm not afraid of a little introspection. Nor am I afraid of cracking open the toolbox for some maintenance. But a person can only go so far. When you clash with your environment, there's only so much you can do to try and make yourself fit in, without losing yourself completely.

A week or two ago, the papers headed an article stating that our generation (20-30 yos) is panicky and views the future with a distinct notion of pessimism.

Well bah-humbug. Can you blame us? We're the first generation that was brought up in extremely good fortune. The values instilled on us all circled around the notion that we should at all times maximize our choices and opportunities. That we should never settle for anything but the best. That anything truly was possible for us because we were given all the best chances for success. That the only responsibility we had was to carefully consider our options and choose the one that would do honor to all the possibilities that were given to us.

Call me crazy, but to me that all sounds very much like: "Here's your reward, make sure you earn it." And that's as negative a premise as one can get. If you don't live up to the chances you've been given, you're a failure. Yet, if you do manage to live up to them, well then "of course you did, you were given all the right parameters from the start". There is no winning here.

And let me tell you something. It's fucking hard to make the right choices in life and to maximize all your opportunities if you barely have a moment to consider them.

The newspaper article further stated that our generation's biggest complaint is lack of time. Well d'uh. Did anyone ever think about stringing the two together? Panic. Lack of time. It's bloody obvious if you ask me. If you have no time to think about what you're doing, to consider your choices, your options, your future... then it's pretty damn normal to feel panicky.

The last couple of months, I feel like my life has been reduced to my job, domestics and my relationship with Jo. And the latter, I rarely have enough time with. I gradually feel myself slipping between the nets. I feel hesitant to meet up with friends because it generally means a compromise on either my hours of sleep or my scarce long-distance-time with Jo and at any rate, my brain has become so one-dimensional of late, I feel like I have nothing interesting to share with people any more. I bore the hell out of myself.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Without adequate time for myself (and that includes Jo & my friends), I feel I will eventually diminish the contributions I have to make to the world around me, because I can feel myself grow increasingly limited.

I don't know how so many of you can even consider starting a family. How can you juggle a job, a social life, a family? Is it because you surrender to forever having lack of time? Do you start a family to add a new dimension to yourself because you've lost so many dimensions along the way? Or are you all just more capable of dealing with the world and its timely limitations than I apparently am?

Something's got to give.